A New Year, A New Me

So, it's 2011. The last decade flew by in about 12 nanoseconds, or so it seems to me. At the beginning of 2001, I was pregnant with my son. My father in law would soon be unexpectedly taken from us, and shortly thereafter, my own father would be diagnosed with small cell lung cancer.

Fast forward 10 years. I have a 4th grader who challenges my patience every day. Multiple times a day. I'm still married (15 years this May), even though I've watched up close and personal what a divorce does to a family in both my brother and my sister in law's marriages. Gone through several jobs, left them on my own terms, and am excited to be starting a new gig with my current company.

Moved three times, purging things along the way. Managed to rekindle a friendship into something potent and meaningful. So grateful for that. Also managed to maintain friendship with my dearest friend even though we see each other once a year.

I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago. Life circumstances have molded me into who I am. Some good, some not so good. A work in progress. What I do know for sure is that I am grateful to be alive. Grateful for the opportunities that I have been given. Grateful for the blessings of my family and friends. Grateful to be given the chance to start again.

In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. - Abraham Lincoln

A work in progress

I've been rather diligent about working out for the past month or so. I've made sure that I have done some sort of exercise, ie a brisk walk or weight lifting, 5x a week for the past month. I've discovered that I enjoy it. There's still the occasional inertia to get over ("ooh, its raining outside and this chair is sooo comfy"), but I have begun to look at exercise as an enjoyable companion in my journey to rediscover the skinny woman trapped in this large body.

This is a huge epiphany to me. Before, exercise was a means to an end. A way to justify the 5 oreos I devoured in 3.5 seconds flat. Now I'm seeing the peace and the strength that it brings me in a whole new light. I'm cranky if I don't work out. I don't sleep as soundly. How strange to evolve from an outlook of "I've had a long day, so I deserve these brownies and the couch potato position" to "my day may have sucked, but I'll feel amazing after I do these hills on the treadmill. And those brownies will only add to my feelings of despair when they superglue themselves to my butt cheeks."

I'm still struggling with the eating thing. I've been really hungry the past couple of weeks so staying within my points balance has not been a successful endeavor for me. I'm making healthier choices overall (a veggie wrap at a restaurant vs the french dip sandwich and fries I'd normally choose), but the portions need some reworking. All in good time. I also want to be more diligent about journaling my food choices and drinking my water. Good goals for the upcoming week.

Last night while out on a late night walk with Gracie, I got caught up in the cadence of my steps. The rhythm and feel of my feet striking the pavement (and more often as autumn reaches its peak, leaves on the pavement). The crunching of the leaves as I walked reminded me of how, with each step, I'm moving forward, that I CAN leave the day's trials behind me, and that I'm walking towards the person I want to be. It was a "brick upside the head" moment for me.

I don't want to die with my story still unwritten

Those words haunt me. Especially after witnessing the multiple celebrity deaths and the strife and danger in Iran. Here I am, at 42, in all likelihood halfway through my life (if I'm lucky), and I don't feel I'm really living it. I find myself in front of the tv or on Twitter or Facebook, ignoring the people in my home. It's so much easier to lose myself on the computer and not really engage with Casey or Ken. I don't know why I find this more fun than playing outside with Casey and Gracie. What kind of wife/mother am I? Is this the new norm for married moms everywhere?

I find myself unengaged at work and at home. It's simpler to stay hidden behind a computer screen, rather than volunteer for projects that will be hard work, particularly with uphill battles against the powers that be.

What exactly do I need to engage? What's holding me back? What am I afraid of? Failure? Success?

Why we need to defeat McCain and Palin

She supports a federal ban on gay marriage. This would mean that thousands of gay couples who are deeply committed to one another and the lives they've created together could not get legally married in our country...A country that was founded on the belief that all men are created equal, a country that is supposed to be one of the most civilized in the world, a country that has recognized time and time again that diversity is what makes us strong.

This woman makes me physically ill. Her statements in the debate that she "tolerates" gays is appalling. I can't believe that McCain picked a woman so narrow minded and bigoted. What happened to Christlike values---didn't Jesus preach love thy neighbor and ask us all to treat one another as we would like to be treated? He taught others to love one another, to reach out to each other, to support each other in times of trouble. I don't remember him saying Tolerate thy neighbor.

The far right has typically preached hate and intolerance, but to have a candidate like her, someone who is one heartbeat away from leading our country is truly unnerving and disgusting. What is going on in this country???

Oh by the way, is this really an important issue given everything that has gone wrong with our economy and the war in Iraq? Oh that's right...it's the damn gays fault. They made these things happen, not the piss poor policies of the Bush administration and our Congress. Give me a freakin' break!

Unfit at 41

I just finished working out with a personal trainer. It was the first tough workout I've had in nearly a year and a half. I enjoyed it, but gotta say that I don't feel so good about being such a slacker for so long. My hips and stomach are the proof. How did I go from walking a half marathon in May of 2007 to weighing nearly 200 lbs in the fall of 2008?

So I've been watching the news about Sarah Palin and how she thinks the media is out to get her. Good God. Did she actually think when she accepted the nomination and cracked a few jokes in her nomination speech that the media and public would send her nothin but love? She's more delusional than McCain and that's saying a lot!